How much help can a birthing partner be?
Listening to Mark Harris speak (again) this month was once again as inspiring as ever. Mark is a male midwife, a thoroughly nice bloke, and probably the most inspiring speaker I've ever heard. He speaks from the heart and soul when he shares his story, he engages the audience in ways I've never known, then he talks about the science bit...and it just makes so much sense. As a midwife, Mark realised long ago that, as a man, although he could be there to support a woman (which is what led him to become a midwife in the first place), he could never understand exactly what birth may be like for her. He explained to his audience why; it's evolution. Or it's not...have we really evolved so far away from our primal instincts? Actually, it's possible that we haven't really moved on that much at all. Our gut instincts still work on the same level that they did hundreds of thousands of years ago. For women, that's to protect and nurture. For men, it's to hunt and gather. Of course, these days men don't hunt and gather (except perhaps from the vending machine if you're having a hospital birth), but the instinct to hunt/gather is to 'fix' a situation; in that case, the 'problem' is hunger. However, during birth, men's instinct can also be to do just that - seek to fix! But birth isn't about solutions, it's about letting a situation (birth) play out in exactly the way it is meant to for the individual woman and her baby. The man's (or any birthing partner for that matter) 'job' in the situation is to support in the best and 'right' way for mum. When birthing partners learn how to support a woman in labour, they become invaluable. They take on a role of incredible significance. And, as we teach women to be strong and trust their birthing instincts with The Wise Hippo, so we also teach birthing partners to be confident in understanding, listening and supporting the birthing mama to remain calm and comfortable, managing adrenaline and ensuring the environment is maintained - whether that's the physical environment or managing distractions, other people or situations that may arise. All, with the ultimate goal of supporting the mother... Recent Birth Wight, second-time daddy, Ed, said of the recent home waterbirth of his son Arlo: "The course gave me the confidence to support (my wife) Anna myself and impart the calm energy she needed. The feeling of empowerment and preparedness took my fears away and helped me enjoy the experience a lot more than last time! The course helped us decide to have a home birth, which was definitely the best way for us. Arlo, as a result is a very calm contented baby and we have a great memory of the big day.
"Being able to have Arlo born this way brought Anna and I closer together and made our house really feel like home. Anna's says I did everything she needed, when she needed it without having to ask. I didn't think a birth could be such a lovely thing! " And July course daddy Matt is on a confidence building journey of his own, as he and wife Katy approach their own homebirth. When we start The Wise Hippo classes, I ask my clients to write down five words that they associate with birth, and when we finish the course, I give them the same task. Often, the results start pretty negatively, and end much more assured and on a positive road towards birth.
These were Matt's words when we began (to be fair, already pretty empowered):
Special
Magical
Painful
Exciting
Magical (yes, he realised this was a repeat, but felt this was key!)
And these were the words when we finished:
Magical (again!)
Relaxed
Family
Liberating
Magical (again, again!).
We lost 'painful' from the list! We gained relaxed; demonstrating how the birth will be, but also how these two first-time parents will approach their birth, during pregnancy and on the day. Liberating - I love this - isn't it liberating to birth and to birth in a way that you feel relaxed and confident to do so? Wow! This is a significant move towards confidence to support Katy in the way she needs. We wish them well in their upcoming birth.
My husband Paul, for all his faults, was an excellent birthing partner - he listened, he responded and he managed the people supporting our birth to ensure that I could get on with my job of birthing our children, calmly and comfortably, undisturbed. Read more about how he found the experience, here.
